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If I could: lyrics and the stories we tell when there's nothing else to do

I wrote this song after my friends’ baby died in the womb. It was such a shock, we didn’t know what to say or what to do. So I did the only thing I know how to do, I told their story. Saying the hard things that happened out loud doesn’t fix anything, but I think it matters anyway. The stories we tell shape our lives, and this is a hard one, we all felt it.

If I could

Words and music Tina Boonstra and Barnabas Shaw

Can we pick it back up where we left it?

Right before we got the message,

To come back to the ward,

cause the doctors want to talk

Pull up to park and we walk in,

try to keep smiling and talking

But it’s there in silence,

first they talk, then it’s quiet

There’s no going back from here

If I could, then I’d build you back brick by brick,

Stone by stone till your stronger than we know

If I could, then I’d paint you with the sun in the sky

Burn through the darkness with a hope in your eyes

And you would fly, fly,

I’d watch you fly, fly

But your hand slips away from my fingers,

as the room spins and cracks into splinters

‘I’m afraid it’s the baby,

there’s no easy way to say it’

Try to stand up but I’m stuck there,

try to breathe in but there’s no air

Stop the clock, are we dreaming?

I can’t see, what I’m seeing

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