I wrote this song after my friends’ baby died in the womb. It was such a shock, we didn’t know what to say or what to do. So I did the only thing I know how to do, I told their story. Saying the hard things that happened out loud doesn’t fix anything, but I think it matters anyway. The stories we tell shape our lives, and this is a hard one, we all felt it.
If I could
Words and music Tina Boonstra and Barnabas Shaw
Can we pick it back up where we left it?
Right before we got the message,
To come back to the ward,
cause the doctors want to talk
Pull up to park and we walk in,
try to keep smiling and talking
But it’s there in silence,
first they talk, then it’s quiet
There’s no going back from here
If I could, then I’d build you back brick by brick,
Stone by stone till your stronger than we know
If I could, then I’d paint you with the sun in the sky
Burn through the darkness with a hope in your eyes
And you would fly, fly,
I’d watch you fly, fly
But your hand slips away from my fingers,
as the room spins and cracks into splinters
‘I’m afraid it’s the baby,
there’s no easy way to say it’
Try to stand up but I’m stuck there,
try to breathe in but there’s no air
Stop the clock, are we dreaming?
I can’t see, what I’m seeing